A loss is a loss

 I found out from personal experience and from chatting with some mums that it does not matter when and why a baby died, the fact still remains that a precious life was lost and the mum needs time and space to grieve.

The when

Six weeks, sixteen weeks or a thirty seven weeks pregnancy, few days old, few months old, a year old …, It absolutely does not matter what stage the pregnancy was or age the baby was, from the numerous accounts I have read on baby loss, each woman irrespective of the ‘when’ has lost what she had spent days, months and years anticipating and the loss should not be trivialised no matter the stage or age of the baby.

The why

I have sometimes heard people say perhaps the baby died because he/she may have brought the parents much headache in future, may have developed some disease or he/she just was not meant to be. But the reality in my opinion is no one on earth is perfect and despite our imperfections or challenges most if not all of our parents would still want us despite the ‘buts’ in our lives. During my last pregnancy I was told during one of the scans my baby had a chance of developing down syndrome or some form of a chromosomal abnormality. We were given a choice of doing an Amniocentesis and attend counselling. We chose not to go for either as we were not going to terminate the baby if the results confirmed our baby was going to develop down syndrome or any form of chromosomal abnormality. We just prayed and trusted God that all would go well. Babies die for various reasons ( i.e. medical issues, negligence, poor health care, a lack of knowledge) and some would still be here if these avoidable reasons were tackled.

Although I have experienced baby loss, I am very careful what I say when I come across another mum who is just bereaved for the following reasons:

• No two losses are exactly the same, there will always be common threads but the loss is personal to the bereaved. Hence I avoid saying things like I know what you are going through or what you are feeling

• Time will heal. From my own experience what healed was my faith in God and the comfort he gave me. Time only gave me the opportunity to reflect on what had happened.

• My loss occurred over five years ago, and where I am is a long way from where I was then. Therefore I reach out to other women now initially by first walking in their shoes before offering any comfort or advice.

Each new life… No matter how brief… Forever changes the world of those involved.

God is not my problem

Four weeks after my first loss, I was back at church. This was one of the most difficult things I have ever done. I felt every eye was on me and wondered what they were thinking. For some reason that day, all the songs were focussed on the goodness of God. Although I sang along, I could not connect with the songs or God. I thought how can God be good and allow such a horrible thing to happen to me? As the months progressed, I came to a point of accepting what had happened but deep in my sub conscious I still believed God ‘let’ me down.

The turning point for me came when I heard a sermon at church ‘God is not your problem.’ At the end of that sermon, the weight of disappointment was lifted. I knew for sure that:

  • God is full of goodness and he cannot be anything but good
  • Despite the fact I lost my son that doesn’t make God any less good

The following scriptures testify to God’s goodness:

  • For the Lord is good. His unfailing love continues forever and his faithfulness continues to each generation. Psalm 100: 5
  • You are good and do only good; teach me your decrees. Psalm 119:68
  • “Why do you call me good?” Jesus asked. “Only God is truly good. Mark 10: 18
  • As newborn babies want milk, you should want the pure and simple teaching. By it you can mature in your salvation, because you have already examined and seen how good the Lord is. 1 Peter 2: 2 – 3


I accepted that God is always good following this paradigm shift. Personally, I have discovered that if I do not ask questions, most likely I would not get answers and grow in my knowledge as a Christian. As I have a living relationship with the Almighty, I believe it is okay to ask him questions when I am confused. So, what was the point of my pain?

First and foremost it occurred to me it really is not about me. Once I became a Christian, I chose to follow his cause and trust that he has my best interest at heart and what he has designed me to be and to do is just right for me. This includes my past, pain and his plans. Secondly, my life experiences can serve as a stepping stone in bringing hope, direction and healing for others. Following my loss it became apparent to me ‘who’ the lord was sending me to. I am of the opinion that we all have a specific purpose (our assignment) on earth. And sometimes we cannot effectively minister, assist and make a difference to the people he is sending us to if we have no clue what life is like for them. It is recorded in 2 Corinthians 1: 4 that ‘God comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us.’

One of my consolations following this heartbreak is that fact that others and I can be inspired to live again, trust God and bring comfort to others in our shoes.